The darkness is looking back

I have always looked at misogynistic men and questioned what has happened to make them hate women so much? What exactly did we do to them to make them this way? Why do they find rape jokes funny? Why do they justify sexual assault and think women are overreacting when we react. Why do they victim blame and go out of their way to try to shut women up, especially if we voice an opinion..any opinion. Why would they rather have a racist, bigoted, rapist president than a woman? I have looked at these men with disdain and anger, justifiably I have always thought. However, recently I have come to the uncomfortable realisation that I have started to become the thing that I hate as now I am begining to hate them.

I look at these men and I wonder where is your fucking humanity? Don’t you have a mother or a sister or a girlfriend ? Would you be happy if the same restrictions and cruelty that you practise against other women happened to your grandmother for example? – and why must I put it in this context just so you can understand?

I think these things and I become more and more angry. The more I dwell, the more I think fuck you! Fuck you for treating women like they are worthless or at the most second class citizens that exist just for your needs and wants. For believing that for some reason you and not us have a say over what happens to our bodies.

I am starting to tire of fighting, I feel the weight of hundreds of years of the sisterhood giving a collective sigh that we have moved so far and no more. I can’t imagine what it is like for the women in their 50s and 60s or older who have been putting up with this shit for so long. I have been on this planet for less than half their time and I am over it, I can’t even imagine what it is like for women who have been putting up with this for so much longer.

So, within all my raging and my exhaustive fighting somehow I have started to become the same as them. I am starting to hate those that hate me. The bullshit rhetoric anti-feminists have always used against feminists is that we hate men, ironic considering the way they view us, but maybe they are not so wrong. I look at the men in my life and although I can see that they are great humans, who are kind, and generous, and decent, I am beginning to struggle not to see them as part of the collective of arseholes that treat women like rubbish.

My mum told me recently that I need to try to not become bitter as once I become so no-one will care. But I fear that the bitterness has already set in and for me at least I fear it may be too late. She also told me that this is a marathon and not a sprint and that if I was getting tired I needed to stop and remind myself of the reasons that we are fighting in the first place.

I don’t want to hate men, if we are ever going to make this world a better place for all we need to work with each other and not against each other. However, although it may not be most men it is some, and the some have loud obnoxious voices that I am finding it very hard to ignore.

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