Old eggs

I seem to have reached the Sex and the City age. No I don’t live in New York or have an uber successful career nor do I live in an amazing apartment but I am in my early thirties and I am single. I’ve never had marriage as a massive life plan but I did assume that it would happen organically one day without me having to worry about it. I have fought mentally against the “ticking-clock” farce that women are pressured to believe in and I hold on to the hope that if I am meant to have a child it will happen. But lately my resolve has begun to wain, lately the little tickle of worry has start to itch my neck and I am not sure what to do about it. It’s hard feeling young and sprightly but feeling also as if the world is judging you as being old and spinsterish.

I envy the friends of mine that don’t want to have kids, for them surely the pressure does not exist. There is no impending threat of their eggs going off. Exploding from their bodies, never to be used again. For them they must feel the infinite freedom of time stretching out full of career moves and overseas holidays. Or maybe not. The point is I am beginning to buckle under the unspoken expectation to be coupled up and I don’t know what to do about it.

It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship, I very much do. It’s just for some reason I can’t find anyone who wants to be in a relationship with me that I like in return. Is there something wrong with me? Do I exude something that repels possible suitors from me? Am I so ancient now that no-one could possibly want to be with me? I hope not. If I’m too old now then I have many many years of solitude ahead of me.

So what do I do about all of this then? Latch on to the next guy that crosses my path, as long as he has a heartbeat and reasonable personal hygiene? Do I hitch my wagon to whomever will have me and repress any other wants or desires that come up? No, probably not. But if not that path then what? because the ache I feel when engagement notices come up on my Facebook feed is becoming really irksome to me.


WTF 2016?

2016 has been a weird year to be a human let alone a woman. It really has felt like some big horrible April fools joke that won’t end. Surely someone is going to admit soon this was all just some big prank and that the joke is on us.

Bono was named Grazia’s woman of the year, Brexit happened, people started dressing like clowns and scaring the crap out of each other..oh and Donald (Sexism and racism poster child or as Samantha Bee so aptly called him  – screaming carrot demon – was voted president and the world did a collective sigh of confusion and despair.

The year began with the death of Bowie and it did not get much better from there. Music died and fascism resurrected itself. We have apparently passed the point of no return in regards to climate change, people are being evacuated from the island of Kiribati because the sea is engulfing the island. But rather than focus on the earths imminent demise we seemed intent instead on fighting amongst ourselves. Evil corporations continue to find shitty ways to continue the earths destruction (Dakota pipeline anybody?) who only care about money and power continue their destruction while the rest of the world is tearing itself apart one fingernail at a time. What the fuck is wrong with that small wealthy group of avaricious cretins?

When I heard that Trump had won I came home and cried. Trump being voted in sends a very clear hate filled message. As one woman suggested – “this is white supremacy’s last stand”, a statement which is scarily accurate. I would add it is also misogyny and systemic sexism’s last stand as well. The orange potato-head poster-child for xenophobia has put every marginalised group in the USA in serious danger and my heart breaks for them. As one man said, ‘How do I treat my children that bullying is wrong when Trump is president?’. How do you teach children that racism is wrong, homophobia is wrong, Rape is wrong when all of these acts have been committed by the leader of their country.
Around the world the rise of the so-called “Alt-right” – read ‘white supremacy’ – seems to have been repeated. In a time where we should be more advanced than ever before the world has taken giant steps backwards in acceptance of all non-white, non-male, non-heterosexual, humans.

Perhaps it is the last stand of hate and privilege at lease for the west, perhaps the patriarchy is finally crumbling and this is it’s last attempt at holding on control, but what scares me is who will be the casualties to this final battle because I imagine most of the blood shed won’t be from rich white men.

The darkness is looking back

I have always looked at misogynistic men and questioned what has happened to make them hate women so much? What exactly did we do to them to make them this way? Why do they find rape jokes funny? Why do they justify sexual assault and think women are overreacting when we react. Why do they victim blame and go out of their way to try to shut women up, especially if we voice an opinion..any opinion. Why would they rather have a racist, bigoted, rapist president than a woman? I have looked at these men with disdain and anger, justifiably I have always thought. However, recently I have come to the uncomfortable realisation that I have started to become the thing that I hate as now I am begining to hate them.

I look at these men and I wonder where is your fucking humanity? Don’t you have a mother or a sister or a girlfriend ? Would you be happy if the same restrictions and cruelty that you practise against other women happened to your grandmother for example? – and why must I put it in this context just so you can understand?

I think these things and I become more and more angry. The more I dwell, the more I think fuck you! Fuck you for treating women like they are worthless or at the most second class citizens that exist just for your needs and wants. For believing that for some reason you and not us have a say over what happens to our bodies.

I am starting to tire of fighting, I feel the weight of hundreds of years of the sisterhood giving a collective sigh that we have moved so far and no more. I can’t imagine what it is like for the women in their 50s and 60s or older who have been putting up with this shit for so long. I have been on this planet for less than half their time and I am over it, I can’t even imagine what it is like for women who have been putting up with this for so much longer.

So, within all my raging and my exhaustive fighting somehow I have started to become the same as them. I am starting to hate those that hate me. The bullshit rhetoric anti-feminists have always used against feminists is that we hate men, ironic considering the way they view us, but maybe they are not so wrong. I look at the men in my life and although I can see that they are great humans, who are kind, and generous, and decent, I am beginning to struggle not to see them as part of the collective of arseholes that treat women like rubbish.

My mum told me recently that I need to try to not become bitter as once I become so no-one will care. But I fear that the bitterness has already set in and for me at least I fear it may be too late. She also told me that this is a marathon and not a sprint and that if I was getting tired I needed to stop and remind myself of the reasons that we are fighting in the first place.

I don’t want to hate men, if we are ever going to make this world a better place for all we need to work with each other and not against each other. However, although it may not be most men it is some, and the some have loud obnoxious voices that I am finding it very hard to ignore.

30-year-old monster

Recently I was out with a group of women for drinks when I was brutally reminded about the curse I have been living with for 3 years now, that I am.. wait for it…in my 30s (gasp). I sat there speaking to a young woman – one year younger than me – who was lamenting the fact that now she was in her thirties men would no longer be attracted to her, as if by entering this new decade she had morphed into a hideous beast, too horrific to love. What I found most disturbing about this conversation is how many of her points I too had thought about myself.
I began to have flashbacks from when I was a teenager watching Sex And The City where these powerful successful women in their thirties would complain ad nauseum about having not being able to find a man now that they were in their third decade. I would think how sad to end up like that, where that is your major worry. Yet here I was in exactly in that position, having my own negative beliefs about aging being thrown back in to my face by this incredibly unhappy woman. I realised that something was seriously wrong here.
Olivia Wilde wasn’t even in her thirties yet when she was told she was too old to play her much older cast mate’s “love interest”. Maggie Gyllenhaal was told that as she was in her thirties she was to old to play a 49-year-old male actor’s partner. Ageism is alive in well in Hollywood and it is not that different in real life.
Why is it that a woman’s worth diminishes as she ages, but most notably when she crosses the threshold from her twenties into her thirties, who the hell decided that was a thing? No need to answer I’m pretty sure I know who, it’s the same person who decided tampons should be taxed as luxury items presumably. Yes that guy.
We have been taught that as women our worth lies within the way we look, everything else like intelligence, personality, desires etc – not really relevant, looks that’s what’s important if you have a vagina. And the aforementioned looks must also be youthful.
If you no longer exist between the golden ages of 18-29 you are no longer “fuckable” and therefore pose no value to society. You are now something likened to the hunchback, and should promptly get back into you bell-tower before someone sees you I assume. None of this is new information, but what surprised me is how much I had bought into these ridiculous notions as well.
I realised that for the past few years I have believed that I too had lost value because I was no longer in my twenties. But I don’t want to hide away now that I am more than 3 decades old. It is yet another shackle placed on women in an attempt to control and to that I say no thank you. Age doesn’t devalue us, it expands us. Now that I have had this epiphany I somehow need to find a way to live that.

Justice not so blind

The Stanford rape case has caused a mass cry of anger and disbelief recently. A rich white male raped an unconscious women, his crime was witnessed and stopped by two men who luckily were nearby, the case then went to trial and he was found guilty by a jury of his peers and then even then the rapist was still believed to be innocent by the judge. He was given 6 months but will only serve 3. In the judge’s mind- even though this person had committed one of the most heinous acts that a human can inflict on another person- he did not want to ruin the rapists life by too harsh of a sentence. Brock Turner was a talented swimmer with a “bright” future, all of which apparently overrides the fact that he irrevocably altered the course of this young woman’s life by assaulting her. In this case the message is clear – men’s lives matter more than women’s.

Most rape cases never make it any where near court because most rape victims do not want to endure the emotional assault they will experience in the court room. Everything about them, their sexual history their alcohol consumption their choice of dress will be dissected and used against them.

When it comes to rape cases a rape victim is guilty until occasionally found innocent and a rapist is innocent until most likely proven innocent. Rape cases often come down to a man’s word versus a woman’s and men’s will generally always be valued more.
In this situation the way the victim’s life has been affected is not important. What is important is that the rapist was a good swimmer and was from a wealthy family and was a white man and therefore his future is considered more valuable than hers. It is not seen worthy of ruining just because as his father so disgustingly termed it he had “20 minutes of action”.

Roughly 80% of rape cases are Not left with a guilty verdict yet 1 in 5 women will be raped in her life time and most women will encounter some version of sexual assault in their lifetime. I wonder though, how accurate these statistics are when most women that are attacked never report it. And why would they? Victim blaming is still the principle reaction to a claim of rape. What a woman drank, wore, who she was with and who she has previously slept with are considered important factors in deciding whether her claim is truthful or not. The thing with victim blaming is is that it says all women are responsible for their own rapes and all men, All men, are rapists. The only person responsible for rape is the rapist and most men are not rapists so why are we still using this tired rhetoric that is harmful and unfair to everyone?

I hope if nothing else this Stanford rape case changes the dialogue and shines a light on the fact that no matter who you are, how wealthy your family are, how white your skin is, or how good a swimmer you are, if you do the crime you do the time. In this case I hope that Brock follows through with his ridiculous appeal and is sentenced properly for the crime he has committed by a judge that actually practices blind justice.

To bra or not to bra

I may be a little late to this band wagon but it seems more and more women these days are ditching the shackles of their bras to ‘free-boob it’ as it were, choosing comfort over constraint these women are no longer following convention when it comes to their undergarments.

My mother has not owned a bra for the majority of her life, as a product of her 70’s era youth she followed the bra-burning generation’s lead and never looked back. Her main reasoning these days for not wearing a bra is simple though, she finds it more comfortable that way.

Maybe for her age group not wearing a bra is more common but for some reason I had assumed with my generation this was not the case. So it has been surprising for me to learn that wasn’t completely true. It has made me question why exactly I choose to wear them. For the bigger busted ladies the wearing of bras is probably more of a necessity, but for smaller boobed ladies like myself do we really need to wear them at all?

Youtube vloger Savannah Brown recently put out a video (sav’s guide to going braless) speaking about her reasons for not wearing a bra she provided tips for how women can go bra-free while still wearing the clothes they want to wear. From nipple pasties to bra-lets she discussed many of the alternative ways women can chose to dress and addressed the issue that I would mostly be worried about – how to hide the nipple. I know we are living in the free the nipple age – which I fully support by the way – but I’m not so keen on the idea of showing said nipples in certain if many environments if I can help it.

I’m still not convinced that I am going to follow the trend and get rid of my bras altogether, but I do admire the women that are choosing not to wear them. There definitely is still an expectation that women should wear bras and to not wear them is considered inappropriate by some, but really,  if men don’t have to wear them then women shouldn’t have to either –  if they don’t want to.

Unfair X-files


As everybody probably knows by now – the new X-files show is out – which for this Mulder and Scully fan was very exciting.

What was not so exciting to learn though, is about the pay dispute Gillian Anderson had to go through in order to receive equal pay to David Duchovny.

To this I say what the fuck?!

How could the studio executives justify offering Anderson half, that’s right half of what they were offering to Duchovny?

The pay disparity between men and women is not a new debate and nor should it be when women in western countries alone still earn sometimes up to 20% less than their equally qualified male peers. Anderson went public about this dispute, as well she should. She admitted that in the earlier days of X-Files she had had to fight tooth and nail just to get a fair pay packet. However, she had assumed now after the immense success of the show and presumably also because she is equally if not more successful than Duchovny, that the amount of money she received this time would be fair. This was not the case, and there can be no other justification for this unfair offer other than that she is a woman and Duchovny is a man. It is slightly horrifying that this completely inequitable decision could be made.

I am glad that she went public about this and that also she fought and won for the same amount.


In more recent news Robin Wright – of House of Cards fame – spoke publically about her pay dispute with the network. She came to the realisation that her character on the show was more popular that Kevin Spacey’s and so demanded equal pay. At the time Spacey was earning $500,00 per episode and Wright was earning $420,000. Although this situation may be considered slightly different as Claire was not the main protagonist of the show so it could be argued that she didn’t deserve as much as Spacey, the fact that Wright fought and won for equal pay is significant, and it is fantastic that she has spoken openly about this, hopefully it will inspire other women in whatever field to do the same.

These examples shine a light on the fact that no matter what industry you work in, or how successful you may be in said industry, that if you are a woman you may still have to fight just to be considered equal.

Fair pay benefits everyone not just woman. Industries that have traditionally been considered “woman’s jobs” are paid less than roles in similar but often male dominated areas. Teachers and nurses are constantly in dispute about their low wages and these are positions that are now filled by both men and women alike.

When the gender gap closes men will benefit as well and those that lose out will only be doing so because they were not as qualified for the job, rather than that they had the privilege of being born with a penis.

I hope that this public shaming of the studio execs serves as a wake up call for those making these decisions and maybe one day (preferably in our lifetimes) this will no longer be an issue.

Why call it plus-sized?

Why do we keep creating labels for women’s body sizes? A woman is either model size, “normal” size whatever that is supposed to be or plus size. Anything larger than plus-size is just considered fat I assume. Men’s bodies don’t seem to receive the same treatment unless you consider the “dad body” trend a thing.

All women’s bodies are normal for them, if you are naturally small then that’s OK and if you are naturally curvy then that’s OK too. But normalising only one body type while labeling other body types as plus-sized etc is harmful in my opinion. Women are never going to all fit into one mold no matter how hard we try. How bout we just create one label “healthy size”, “my size” or perhaps “awesome size” and be done with the whole thing.

Recently Amy Schumer came out criticising a magazine for labeling her one of their favourite “plus-sized women”. It obviously wasn’t meant as a dig but rather a celebration of her curves. However I can understand her annoyance as really Amy is “normal” size or that grey area between a “skinny” model and a “plus sized” model. While there are plenty of women that have embraced the plus size label – which is fine – my point is why do we need to give ourselves these labels at all. Can’t we just accept the fact that we are women and celebrate ourselves for our unique beauty without trying to work out which box to squeeze ourselves into.

Jennifer Lawrence spoke out when a magazine referred to her as “normal” size. She was annoyed because she worked out frequently and was on a strict diet and training schedule which wasn’t “normal” for her. Calling her “normal” isolates all women that don’t look like her into abnormal or other or in other words fat or skinny.

I guess at the end of the day it comes down to what a woman is comfortable with when it comes to referring to her own body but the problem is that young girls growing up in this environment are learning about these terms and judging their bodies accordingly. This is so dangerous as it can lead to body dysmorphia and eating disorders. Until we stop judging women’s bodies so harshly and just accept our differences as just that differences, women and girls are going to continue trying to squeeze themselves into unrealistic and frankly ridiculous labels in order to try and feel “normal”.